Monday, April 1, 2013


I got back on my green meditation cushion tonight, hoping to calm my monkey brain.  What surprised me was how quickly 20 minutes passed, whereas when I first started learning about focusing on the breath, 5 minutes felt like an eternity.  But tonight, I didn't feel ready to open my eyes when the (iPhonetingsha chimed.

It had been a while since I practiced on my own.  A few months ago, I discovered a local group that meets once a month to meditate together.  We meet in the same place where I took a class a few years ago, so the space feels safe and familiar.  Usually, I look forward to going there, it brings a sense of calm and my body almost instantly settles when I enter the room.  It's easier to be with others, to follow the sound of a voice, to let someone else be the leader.

The funny part of that realization is that I typically prefer to be the leader.  I have always liked being in charge, making decisions, being The Boss.  But part of being the boss is having to live with the choices you've made.  Bosses hold a great deal more responsibility than I'm interested in having at the moment.  Making decisions is easy when your choice is clear.  I am so used to just knowing which path to take, or which entree to order.  And now, arriving at a point of discomfort with decisions is unsettling.  I like to be sure - don't we all?  And thus, uncertainty in itself seems to generate its own brand of added discomfort.

Looking for some perspective, I went searching back a year in my posts and found myself to be teetering on the edge of Pre-scan Lookout.  Anxiety was building and I was convinced I was about to have a recurrence.  My outlook was bleak.

On the bright side, a year later, I am not quite as nervous about scan results (big sigh).  But there are other pieces of the puzzle that have yet to fall into place and it feels like it's been forever and it will be forever.  A bit like high school - hard to imagine anything different.

This all brings me back around to the cushion.  I'm always hoping that my intuition will find me and guide me if I can give it some space in my head.  As Pema Chodron says: With openness, friendliness to the uncertainty, we create possibilities for the future in the way we handle each moment.