Friday, April 6, 2012

No Guarantees

true photo
Been super busy these past few days, but in a good way (I think).  Lots of possibilities on the horizon and progress on my book.  Many moments of frustration about the fear that hangs out in my backyard, just waiting for a moment when it can monopolize my undivided attention.  However, I've also had a few amazing moments of sighing and enjoying.  Not that the scales are in any way even,  but at least the enjoying is there at all.

Right now, I'm having a sigh.  The house is in the midst of getting cleaned for Passover - kitchen's done, now I'm vacuuming like a madwoman and Dan is in the kitchen working on his mom's famous flourless chocolate cake.  Judah is upstairs, taking a rest while watching a puppet show of Aladdin on the iPad, and I'm stealing a break on the couch in the living room, Mooshu curled up in his favorite sunny spot on the (previously) clean rug.  It's all good.  It's just all good.

I get easily choked up when I talk about my fears (to Dan, to my therapist, to my acupuncturist) because life feels so tenuous, so breakable, like we are in a car that swerved off the 101 and is teetering on the edge.  It could go either way at any moment.

There are no guarantees.  Where the hell have I been all my life that I'm only coming to this conclusion now?  Any hardship, any tragedy can befall anyone at any time.  Clearly, some people are more prone to facing challenges (being born into poverty doesn't help).  But those of us who thought life was always going smoothly hold (held in my case) this inane assumption that life will always go smoothly.  Um, not so much.

Yes, now it occurs to me that we (as in, the big WE of the human race) are ALL teetering on the edge of the cliff in a car that just swerved off 101.  Some of us are cool and calm under pressure, while others get hysterical (ahem), and the rest don't even know they're there.

Anyway.  Each day I come to at least one new realization about the precariousness we all exist within.  I can't wait until someone invents a mind-reading device that can transcribe my thoughts since usually my best ones come when I'm in the car (and taking a leisurely drive through North Philadelphia).  You too, right?

Plus, I'm particularly emotional today as we're now entering the pre-scan month.  It feels like forever since I've seen my oncologist.  I convince myself on a daily basis that the news from this next swim through Radiation Pond will be unfavorable.  Tensions will be running high for the next few weeks, as usual, so please take pity on the folks that are forced to deal with me...  I really really really hope that this Spring, like last year's, has only good times in store, for us all.

Happy Passover (May your matzah be crispy and your brisket be moist) and Happy Easter (May your eggs be plentiful and your pink chocolate bunnies last for a week*).


*Gina, that pink bunny shout out was for you. I'll never forget the best (and only) Easter basket ever.

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